Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.
I know I have talked a lot about hard work, and I hope it doesn’t seem redundant. However, one thing is for sure, farming is hard work, so I can’t ignore the obvious. By mid-June, I realized that time is precious.
I found myself one evening mowing the lawn, reflecting on the day. The day started with me digging many irises out of the future herbal garden spot while I watched two children playing in the dirt. Luckily, they later went down for a two-hour nap that day at the same time. This was a very rare happening, especially since my daughter decided at two and a half that she no longer needed a nap.
While I was mowing, all I could think about was how in the world was I going to do it all? I felt stressed to the max. My main problem was I wanted to be the all-perfect mom, wife, and mother. I felt that if I didn’t accomplish a lot in one day, then I was not being a good steward of all that the Father had blessed me with.
The next day I went to town with Dianne and Mike and got nothing done on the farm. I needed to go to town to buy groceries and things, but I couldn’t help feeling guilty for wasting precious time. Plus, I felt the guilt of working so much that I thought I was neglecting my children.
See the vicious cycle? I was spiraling into a downward cycle of self-pity. I felt guilty if I didn’t work on the farm, and guilty for working so much on the farm that I “neglected” my children. I never actually neglected my children, but the self-condemning voice in my head kept telling me that I was.
I needed to stop the self-pity condemning voice fast. I started retelling myself what a blessing it was to farm, but I also felt like I should have researched a lot more before moving onto the land. I wish I could say that I realized quickly that no matter how much one researches, it still doesn’t give you any experience. We do not know what we are getting into until we step into it.
We see this when a woman gets pregnant for the first time everyone tells her, “everything is going to change once the baby is here.” The new mom then starts reading endless books to “prepare” for the new arrival, but she won’t really know what this big change will be like until the baby is here. So, honestly, a little research is great to help you prepare mentally, but the full truth isn’t known until you’re deep into the new adventure.
Later that day I wrote in my journal to help reflect on my feelings, which for me helps a lot, even if I am not consistent. I became aware of my lack of allowing the Father to give me strength and to trust Him that it would all work out as long as I was thankful and prayed and worked hard. I also realized that I needed to try to turn off the self-condemning voice in my head and to look at myself through the Messiah’s eyes, the only true judge.
I wrote what I was grateful for, and the first thing was the enjoyment I received watching things grow. I was now able to see a seed turn into a plant that produced more fruit than our family could consume. I also got to see baby goats grow and my children grow. Another bonus was the television was off for more hours than it was on because we were outside so much. Jazmyn also became more and more aware of life. She, even though only three, actually appreciated nature and God.
I knew it was going to be a long haul here in the beginning, and to be honest I am still in the “beginning” stages of this farming thing 16 years after this first Summer. We wanted and still want to do so much to create something breathtakingly beautiful out here that praises the Father and the Messiah. We want to create an awesome work of art with our Father’s help that in the end will glorify His name. I know that this goal is going to require patient optimistic endurance that will test our faith, trust, and expectancy, hopefully filling us with praise, thankfulness, growth, wisdom, and love.
Expect Trials but hope in the end
Stepping out of the box is hard, and the Father will test us sometimes to either see if we are really serious in our endeavor and/or to make us strong enough to make it. Don’t look at trials as the Father’s punishment on you for making a mistake. Sometimes, yes, we are punished through trials for our mistakes, but I fully believe that many trials are learning tools. The Father chastens those He loves (Proverbs 3:12). We can’t become refined without going through the fire (Zec 13:9).
Life isn’t easy and trying something new is always going to have its hiccups. For example, Joseph didn’t become royalty immediately. He went through a lot of trials that created in him a great work. Joseph is one Biblical person that I admire greatly because we never see him complain, and he not only was a slave but wrongfully accused and put in prison. He didn’t do anything wrong, but what seemed awful at the time turned into greatness in the end.
What is so interesting to me about Joseph is the fact that he had grand expectations for his future, and he didn’t let his current circumstances cause him to doubt God. I had grand expectations for our farm, but I allowed trials many times to cause me to doubt if we would ever succeed. I have to remember that Joseph was 17 when he had the dreams of his future. He was in his thirties when it finally came to fulfillment.
This point causes me to realize sometimes we don’t reach our goals quickly. Sometimes we may even have detours before we reach our goals. It may take years. Our farm may be what Josh and I retire to rather than giving us income now. I must learn patience and acceptance that trials will come and go, but the Father is always there to lead the way.